Houston, we have clarity!

Well, after yesterday’s shenanigans, all is now well. I think it could be fair to say that when I wrote yesterday’s entry not only was I angry, exhausted from the seizures (now well and truly on the downward spiral, thank you Dr Flake and your “controlled” withdrawal – really NOT helping) and was annoyed that my life had been organized without my input.

This can be a fairly common occurrence as sometimes I am genuinely not in a fit state to make decisions for myself, but yesterday I felt I could.

I had organised my best friend to say over the night before the wedding so that Bert could go up to his brother’s house to stay (she is more than capable of looking after me) but no, Bert was having none of it. As stress is a BIG trigger for my seizures, I decided to calmly ask Bert why he was being so obstinate about the wedding plans.

It actually turns out he doesn’t want to be best man. What hurt was that he used my epilepsy as an excuse without asking me first. Most people with epilepsy will probably be able to identify with the fact that they don’t like being the centre of attention, which is inevitably unavoidable most of the time. It follows you everywhere. Job applications, driving licence applications, travel, you name it. It is like having a criminal record, you HAVE to declare it. It is especially hard when the seizures are not under control as leaving the house alone is like planning a mission to Mars. Most people worry if they have their keys, wallet and phone. Oh no, not for an epileptic! Do I have my wheelchair, a change of clothes, my midazolam (emergency medication for going into status epilepticus), extra diazepam for if I can feel simple partial seizures building. Oh the joys!!!

So, you can see why trying to maintain some semblance of normality is quite hard, especially when you can’t walk either! I just felt using MY epilepsy as an excuse not to be best man at Richard’s wedding was a little shallow. I told Bert very calmly that I felt he should have been more honest with his brother in the first place.

I was surprised that Bert was asked to be best man in fairness, as he is actually incredibly shy, dyslexic and the thought of him having to make a speech was making him feel sick with nerves already, even though I had offered to write it for him. It would have upset me having to watch him stutter and stumble through a few words but he was prepared to do it for his brother. Out of his 15 brothers and sisters, Richard is the one he is closest to.

I guess I was just angry that I wasn’t included in the decision. Now, don’t get me wrong, collectively, Bert and I have used my epilepsy as an excuse for getting out of a plethora of invites to candle parties, tupperware parties (seriously, they still have them!), bbq’s etc as we don’t drink and in fairness, given that 8pm is my bedtime at the moment due to the medication, I would have had to push myself into borderline 999 territory to actually attend these things.

One very good thing came out of it all. Bert has promised me he will never do it again without my permission. I had felt as though I was letting Richard down the way it was explained to me by Bert, but once he had calmed down and explained it properly to me I understood where he was coming from.

Yes, I may be medicated to the hilt, and on occasion, not even know what day of the sodding week it is, but I am still a 39 year old woman with 2 degrees and a member of Mensa and I do NOT want to be treated like an idiot. Even if I dribble after a fit!!

I think this has done our fledgeling marriage good. I have learned not to jump to conclusions, all I need to do is take tiny steps and there conclusions are, and Bert has learned to keep me in the proverbial loop. I am in this for the long haul with him, and I stick by my vows I made in church on a very sunny day last October. It will be till death us do part.



Ever had the feeling you just can’t win?

This May, my brother in law Richard is getting married and has asked Bert to be best man. I am absolutely thrilled that he has, as without Richard, I would never have met Bert, and he has I have always had a huge platonic soft spot in my heart for him as, without him, as I have mentioned before, I would have gone under a very long time ago.

So, today has come as a bit of a surprise to me to say the least. Yesterday I hit over 40 seizures by the time night time ‘knock out drops’ for bed came. I didn’t sleep so well, due to Joshua and his other half falling up the stairs at quarter to 4 this morning and haven’t been able to get back to sleep. Who am I kidding, all this is besides the point.

So, Richard’s wedding. Bert best man, and I have got most of my outfit/makeup/plans in situ for the day. I am going to have to go in Lilith, so the dress is going to be stylish but discrete and I am going for the monochrome grey spectrum to go with my eyes! The bride to be had suggested blue, but it washes me out and having shown her daughter the dress I have chosen, we are good to go. I was going to buy it this week but our cooker decided to die, so next month it will be.

Anyway, Elizabeth and I have been pouring over the latest Avon brochure as we both need a few bits. Little did I know that whilst we were doing it, Bert was on the phone to Richard about the wedding.

Now, as it is Richard’s second wedding and I cannot be left unattended at any time, I had wrongly assumed that I would be going up first thing in the morning and getting ready with the gents as I do need a hand, going to the wedding with them and parking myself discretely in the corner, but still within sight of Bert.

I have a medication that I can take that will 99% guarantee that I won’t fit for 6 hours within taking it, so was going to have it just before the service (it is a civil ceremony, not a church wedding) which would see me through the meal afterwards, right up to popping our heads into the evening ‘do’ that Bert and I had previously agreed not to stay long at. Perfect I thought.

Apparently not. The bride to be doesn’t want me there with the men in the morning, and Richard wants Bert there the night before. Now, he KNOWS that nobody is in a position to take care of me overnight currently. My Mum is 70 and she can’t cope with 1 seizure, never mind the 40 odd I had yesterday, and I feel that it is too much responsibility to put on any of our children. Apart from that, the only night I have spent away from my husband was the night before our own wedding, and that didn’t go so well!

So I am happily sat with Elizabeth trawling the Avon brochure and Bert comes in with a smile saying that he had something to make me smile. All good so far. He and Richard had been talking about me and the wedding and came to some rather extreme conclusions. Bert is not going to be best man, Richard is going to ask another friend and that is it, case closed. No option for me to offer my opinion, come to some compromise, speak to Bridezilla or anything.

I know how much it means to Bert to be Richard’s best man, and to be truthful, how much it would mean to me too. BUT – no. All decided without me getting any say. I have offered to go into respite the night before, and get taken up in the morning – NO. I have offered to get my best friend who is more than capable of looking after me to come up with me just before the wedding with Joshua taking us up, and bringing my friend home – NO. I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

The only option I can see is if I don’t go to the wedding at all, but Bert is refusing to go if I don’t. I really feel as though I have got my back up against the wall on this one.

Oh, and for the first time since we got married, Bert isn’t talking to me. Great. Just what I need. Going to stick my thinking cap on for this one for sure.


A month? I shall explain! Moving house, weddings and really amazing teenagers!

Wow,  I had no idea it had been this long since I had made a post – not good. In my mitigation, I have been up to my eyeballs in it. So, even though I am in the UK, I have been up for hours watching the US Election. I am not usually one to fanfare my politics but am glad that Barack Obama is back in. Enough of that considering I haven’t lived in the US since I was 3.

To put it bluntly, the last month has been beyond crazy. Bert and I are now married, we have moved house, my seizure count has gone through the roof and my wheelchair use has too.

The run up to the wedding was crazy. Bert has a very laissez faire attitude to life, but that is part of his appeal. Now, as we have primary custody of his youngest son, and his ex wife has primary custody of his eldest son, we wanted to wait until the eldest was over before the suit shopping commenced, so he didn’t feel like an add on.

All well and good but I learned a lesson. Never give 4 men £1000 to buy 4 mid price suits, shoes,shirts and ties. It is only ever going to end in disaster. We married on the 27th of October so with Leigh coming over, the only night to go and get them was the 25th of October (God, I wish I was joking, but alas, no!). So, off they go, Bert, my son Joshua, Leigh and Myles to get themselves sorted for the wedding in 2 days time. Marks and Spencer was the venue of choice because of the range so all sorted. Or so I thought.

My daughter Elizabeth was duly roped in to babysit me whilst they went to get their clothing. Now, I have been the antithesis of  a bridezilla as I wanted Bert to have as much input as possible as he could. His first wedding? He had absolutely no choices in whatsoever so I probably went overboard allowing him as much free reign as I could.

As I have documented my epilepsy well enough, Elizabeth was more than well equipped to look after me, and Bert had left my medication out, and tea for us. Well all I can say is thank fuck I had taken it before they got home. Joshua? (who gave me away), not a problem. Lovely grey suit, light mauve shirt and mauve striped tie to match my Mum (my father is downstairs in an urn, so he wasn’t going to be giving me away funnily enough). Leigh and Myles? Gorgeous grey suits slightly different from Joshua’s and lovely grey ties. Then it happened. Black shirts came out of the bags. Thank god I had enough valium in my system because I was not a happy bunny to say the least. And as for Bert? He forgot his suit! Oh yeah, that was just the start.

So, after a rather horrendous and upset night’s ‘sleep’ I got my shit together and spoke to Bert about how unhappy I was. We have only ever had one argument and that was 22 years ago and I wasn’t about to start one the day before the wedding.

Now don’t get me wrong, I had absolutely NO problem with Leigh and Myles keeping the black shirts, they just were NOT going to wear them at my wedding. Ok, so Friday morning I calmly told Bert that 1 – NO black shirts, 2 – err, HE needed a suit, shirt, tie and shoes and 3 – we were going to get it done that day.

So, first thing Friday morning, back up to town (about 15 miles away). 2 gorgeous dove grey shirts bought for Leigh and Myles and 1 gorgeous charcoal pinstripe suit bought for Bert, who, in his infinite wisdom, decided that a stripey blue shirt and blue spotty tie would go with the cafe latte and brown duchesse satin of my wedding dress. He also had a pair of dress shoes at home so fair enough.

We get home, grey shirts look fantastic, boys happy. Charcoal grey suit, Bert looks fantastic. Blue stripey shirt and blue spotty tie next to the swatches of my wedding dress – AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! Ok, slight overreaction but let us just say, it did NOT go. As for the dress shoes? The soles had parted company with the leather uppers.

No crystal balls needed to see what was coming next. Now I can put my hand on my hear when I say that I have let everyone have their choice as my feeling was that I wanted everyone to feel comfortable but by 1pm, Bert conceded defeat and asked for my help. You guessed it, Bert, Lilith and I got in the car and back up to M&S. This time with swatches of the wedding dress. He put me in charge of getting it all sorted (he was going to get his shoes mended) later on, so off we went. First stop, M&S. Now, there are ladies and gents there trained to help, so I asked a REALLY helpful assistant if she could help match up a tie to the swatch. Literally 3 minutes later, we had the perfect tie. Eureka part 1. Plus, Bert loved it and it had charcoal and grey stripes through it which opened up his choice of shirts. He didn’t want to wear a white one as well, he just didn’t and it was his wedding too, so no problem. He wanted an off white/cream one. Was there one to be had? Was there buggery! I finally found one he loved in a light charcoal which went beautifully.

We decided to keep the blue already bought so he had 2 looks for the suit as we have a family wedding coming up next year and it will be perfect.

So, home we go for the second time that day. Bert took his shoes to the cobbler to find out that THEY COULDN’T BE FIXED. I think I had had about 5 seizures by this point as we still had to go back to town to go and get his niece Claire as she was coming over with her daughters Lauren and Anne for the wedding (Anne is 5 and was my flower girl as a surprise for her).

Bearing in mind, we are now hitting 5pm, and Claire and co are getting in off the boat at 5.45pm, you guessed it – back in the sodding car to sodding M&S for sodding men’s shopping that I had been put in sodding charge of! I was supposed to be at my Mum’s by this point in a Hello Kitty onesie with her, my daughter Elizabeth and Mum’s boyfriend watching Love Actually, not having a borderline nervous breakdown over bloody shoes and picking people up off the boat.

So, cue the fastest ever trip to town (we have hit 75 miles by now, and there are no motorways where we live so my back was starting to complain rather loudly). So, we parked up, Lilith and I wheeled off in haste down to the men’s shoes section (just an fyi, how unfair is that? The selection is disgraceful compared to the women’s) armed with my debit card which I had visions of going on strike.

So, men’s dress shoes. Now Bert is a manual worker, and a bloody good one so generally spends his days in ‘work clothes’, ie, steelies, jeans and a hoody but when he scrubs up, his sartorial choices are second to none. He has always had style. Even on our first date 22 years ago, I felt distinctly under dressed as he turned up in a sharp suit. He was looking for leather upper, round toed lace up dress shoes. Oh hell no, not a chance. So, after a little cajoling, he compromised on a pair of slightly square toed dress shoes (and admitted they were really comfy, but apparently I am sworn to secrecy on that one!).

We bought them, went and picked Claire, Lauren and Anne up and he brought me home to get my bag to take to my Mum’s house. Now, bearing in mind I was supposed to be there at 5 and it was now half 7 he THEN told me he wanted me to cut his hair! He is losing a little at the front and likes the way I shape his neckline so clippers out and off I went. I *think* Elizabeth and I got to Mum’s about half 8.

Now in all this I have omitted to mention that it was actually Bert’s 45th birthday that day. He thought I had forgotten but with the help of Elizabeth, I had his card and present hid, but not to be opened until I went. Both Bert and I are teetotal, so I had got him a hoodie made up saying “I am not allowed a stag do” along with the road sign for a stag with the red line through it. Just so the boys didn’t feel left out, I got Leigh and Myles one each saying “Dad is not allowed a stag do” and one for Joshua saying “Bert is not allowed a stag do”, but on the back of his it said “But I AM getting rid of Mum”.

I got to Mum’s, got into my Hello Kitty onesie, and promptly fell asleep! Yes, I am the queen of hen nights!!! The fits and the traveling had completely taken it out of me. God love her but Elizabeth stayed awake most of the night as she knew I was in danger of going into status. She is not only my daughter, but my best friend, my confidante and, god love her, was the most amazing chief bridesmaid.

So, from a newly married first time bride at the age of 39, on a fit count of over 50 since I last posted, I shall say bye. I am going to update later today with the wedding, the house move and then, most importantly my appointment for the neurologist. I am still laughing about that one now!


3 Weeks Today

I am getting married for the first time in my life. Yep, I will have made it to 39 (birthday on Monday) without ever having tied the knot. This post is going to be ever so slightly self indulgent as I actually think it has finally set in that it is going to happen.

I have never even been close before. I raised Joshua and Elizabeth on my own and was content to do so. Their father was physically abusive towards me (broken cheekbone, several broken arms, head through a wall  – you get the gitst). BUT! Yes, finally, 3 weeks today I am marrying my first ever boyfriend.

I was not a particularly pleasant teenager. My Mum worked nights and my father was a raging alcoholic, so from the age of about 13 I was out of control. Drink, drugs, you name it. We moved towns on my 15th birthday (I am still in the same town now) and when I was 16 my parents threw me out of the house. Looking back, I genuinely don’t blame them but I have raised my children differently knowing the consequences.

I got crappy bedsit, for anyone who has read The L Shaped Room you will get what I mean and a job in the local takeaway. A couple used to come in fairly regularly and one night asked would I be interested in babysitting their two young daughters so they could have a bit more time out together. Believe you and me, I jumped at the chance – for some normal family life to just dip in and out of.

So, I began babysitting for the couple’s daughters who were absolutely adorable. I am still in contact with them today. Their Dad came from a very big family (one of 16 brothers and sisters) so there were always people coming and going.

Anyway, one day I went up to babysit and as I was early they decided to go out early. One of Richard’s younger brothers was coming up the house to walk down with him, so he asked me to tell him which pub they would be in as hell, nobody had mobiles back then!

Just a side note, without Richard, the children’s father, I would literally have gone under or ended up committing suicide. I really was at an all time low at that point in my life. I owe him a debt of gratitude that I will never in a million years be able to repay. He gave me self worth, and made me feel like a human being again.

Back to the night out. There I am with the girls, I had them bathed and we were watching some dross on the telly having a tea party when the knock came at the door. If you hadn’t guessed already, there was Bert. Now people say there is no such thing as love at first sight but I would beg to differ. Bearing in mind, I was a full blown goth with waist length blonde hair (well, I had to be slightly different), there was this absolutely gorgeous blonde guy dressed so sharply and my gob quite literally hit the floor. The girls adored him and ran over to Uncle Bert so he came in for a little while to play with them and then went to meet Richard and his wife.

Let’s just say, the rest of the evening passed in a bit of a blur as I felt like I had been hit like a sledgehammer by this blonde vision at the door! Richard came home and quite literally said off the cuff  “oh, I see you met our Bert tonight”. I could have killed him! I have never been able to hide my feelings on my face and I think I went through many shades of pink to red to purple before I could splutter out a meek “yes”.

Well, that was it! Commence the taking of the piss of Sarah!! After that night, surprisingly Bert was there every time I went to babysit. I remember bathing the girls one night to come down and find him sat in the living room so took them up for a second bath because I was blushing so badly! Of course, Richard was of NO help whatsoever as he found it highly hilarious! Bert was (and actually still is) very shy so we hadn’t spoken much but it was more than obvious that I liked him.

I knew he was WAY out of my league – a well brought up guy from a stable family and me, with all my issues that I didn’t have enough tissues for. So, I resigned to admiring from afar. But god he was handsome. Just think Tim Roth Reservoir Dogs era if that kind of thing floats your boat.

Anyhoo, work beckoned on an early shift so I got there and there was a letter for me under the door which my boss had picked up for me. I picked it up and read it. Probably nearly fainted in the process, but no, it was a letter from Bert asking me out on a date and if I would like to go for a drink with him (I was 17 by then and he was 23, I still tease him to this day about taking underage girls out for drinks!). Only one problem. He still lived at home and had left me his phone number and what time he would be in to call if I wanted to go. Well duh, yes!!

I went up to Richard’s house as I didn’t have a phone and begged him to call for me as I was scared stiff who would answer the phone! I offered 10 free babysits but no, he literally rolled up and down the sofa as I stammered my way through the conversation! Fortunately Bert’s Mum picked up the phone and we just about managed to sort a time and a date out!

So, we started dating. Richard gave me the 3rd degree after our first date as his brother was so shy but conversation just came naturally to us. That first night he ran home at 5 am as we had been up talking all night and he had work at 7 am.

At the time I can say I was the happiest I had ever been in my life but all good things come to an end. I came home from work one night to find the few bits and bobs he had left at my bedsit gone. No explanation, nothing. Turns out that a girl that fancied him had spread a rumour so vile that he didn’t know what to do as I was his first girlfriend. I found out years later that Richard spent 18 months trying to get us back together but it just wasn’t to be.

Anyway, with what was left of my heart in even smaller pieces, I picked myself up, and built the highest wall I could around me. Nobody was ever going to get as close to me again and I stood by that.

Bert went off, got married to the girl that split us up (but he didn’t know it was her until a couple of years ago), they had 2 gorgeous children together and I genuinely wished him happiness. Just because I couldn’t have it, I wasn’t going to deny him it.

In 19 years I saw him once, from the back with his youngest son and literally ran the other way. He has a very distinct walk and I couldn’t face it as the love I had for him had never faded.

Ok, I will bring us up to 22nd March 2010 now. My back was at this point screwed and I was bedbound so the internet was the keeper of my sanity. Please excuse my obsession with dates but I have a photographic memory and it just helps me keep a handle on things. I opened Face Book and there was a friend request but I half recognised the name. Bert is obviously a nickname, but the surname is pretty distinct. It genuinely took me a good few minutes to work out which one it was aaaaaand then the penny dropped. It was Bert. We can safely say that mild panic set in!

I have to be honest, I didn’t accept straight away. The man who I had been in love with my entire life wanted to get in contact. I wasn’t entirely sure if I could open Pandora’s box. I sat on it for a week, and then caved in and accepted and did the usual “Nice to hear from you, hope you and the family are keeping well” and left it at that. Yeah, I was a big girl, I could cope with that. Or so I thought.

Of course he was on his computer at that exact time and the PM’s started, just catching up. Funny thing, he knew I had a back back but no children! It isn’t like I had hid them in a cupboard or anything! Turns out we had actually been living in the same small town for all that time and I had seen him just the once. He had seen me a couple of times but didn’t know what to say.

So, slowly, we would get to know each other again via PM on Face Book each night for a couple of hours. And then the decision had to be made. Do we meet up for coffee? We did. I remember choosing which one, and sat with my back to the door reading a book as I had turned up early (Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman) just in case you are interested! I didn’t see him come in but heard him when he got to the counter. He came and sat with me and one look in his eyes and I new things would go one way or the other. He has piercing blue eyes and I had the same feeling I did the day I opened the door to him 19 years beforehand.

The conversation flowed, we well and truly overstayed our allocated time that we had given ourselves and then dissected it via the internet that night.

Now, I know Bert is going to read this one day so this is a confession to him. I knew that I could never just be his “friend”. I was going to have to push him away before I got my heart broken again. I hasten to add, we were both single at the time, but I couldn’t go through it. So, I went to the off license, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and composed the world’s longest email. I told him EVERYTHING. No stone left unturned. My battle with drink and drugs, my foster daughter committing suicide, my father abusing me, how I felt about him. Oh yeah, I let it out. I had to let him see what a selfish bitch I was and that I wouldn’t or couldn’t be his friend, much as I wanted to.

So, 2 am, I hit send and then had the WTF have I just done moment. I am very glad I did do it as he is such  a decent human being I felt he deserved better, even for a friend. So, the next day, apart from having the hangover from hell (I don’t drink) passed in a haze. I was up at a friends house when he text me asking if I was up for a natter that night. Of course I though he can’t have read the email so was like “Yeah, sure” thinking “Yeah, right!” more like it.

Anyway, he HAD read it and we sort of carried on in some weird limbo as we had been before, chatting away each night. I have never quite got my head round how that one worked but am not asking! OK – fast forwards to 1st May 2010 and I got a cryptic text – that he had something he would like to tell me. Given the luck I have had in my life, I was expecting him to say that he had found a lovely girl etc.

I have to be honest, by this point we had upgraded to MSN for chatting and would chat away into the small hours. Anyway, the 1st of May was a Saturday as I remember vividly watching some god awful act on Britain’s Got Talent and turning the TV off. So, texts sent, MSN fired up and we were off. My heart was pounding in my mouth and to be quite honest I felt sick to the pit of my stomach. But, the conversation was normal and then suddenly, at 1.46am on 2nd May 2010 I got the bombshell. He wanted to give us another go.

The words gob and smacked were the understatement of the moment. I was genuinely in shock. He felt the same as I did. Corny as it sounds, I would wait another 19 years for him. There really are some things worth waiting for. For the first time in my life I feel love. I am in love and am loved in return, unconditionally. Illness etc be damned, he picked me out of anyone he could have had.

So, 3 weeks today I will be married to the love of my life. It has taken me a while to get there but like I said, I would wait a lifetime for him again. I know I am going to cry as I say my vows in Church as I had always sworn that I would never marry but nothing in my life has ever felt this right.

So, if you have ever felt as though the world is against you, lonely, abused, frightened and that there is no way out, believe you and me, keep the faith. Good things can and do happen. And never settle for second best. I am actually listening to Adele’s Someone Like You as I write this and it still resonates, even though I have got my man. Yep, the tears are pouring down my face but for all the right reasons!

I would love to dedicate this to Richard for saving my life, and to Bert for completing it.



Christ, pass the Valium

I think we can safely say that today has not gone to plan. I am currently ensconced in my bed (well, more of a nest with a cot side in case I fall out – which I have done on several occasions) with just me, Bert at the other end of the baby monitor and Marvel films for company (currently on The Incredible Hulk if anyone is interested). Oh joy of joys. And as for the Valium? I wasn’t joking. It is 5pm and I got 2 hours sleep last night and you betcha, little sleep = lots of fits. Already had 4 today so far so am taking time out to have a bit of a release and break from them.

Well, the wedding dress fitting didn’t go to plan yesterday – my lovely (and I genuinely mean it) dressmaker called saying that the embroidery wasn’t finished so wedding dress fitting take 2 on Friday. At 10am – should be interesting! I am not normally able to get my legs moving until lunchtime!

Yesterday wasn’t a total bomb though, Mum, Bert and I went up to our main town and did some (more) shopping and had lunch out which was rather pleasant for a change. Sure as hell beats my normal routine of having to sit in bed whilst other people do things for me. If you haven’t already noticed, I am having a downer of a day.

So, on to brighter things. 3 weeks ago, we, and by that I mean me, my Mum, Joshua and Elizabeth thought that that was our family. My father drank himself to death a few years ago and it was a running joke that we could hold a family reunion in a broom cupboard. I know I am marrying into a big family, but that is besides the point. Anyway, Mum got a message out of the blue on Facebook asking about her Father. All we knew was that he abandoned her and my Grandmother when she was 2 and a half and that was the last we heard and presumed him dead (my Mum is 70). Well, seems not. Not that my Grandfather is dead, he most certainly is, but it turned out she had a younger brother who had been looking for her for 22 years.

As you can imagine, a bit of a shock to say the least! So, with phone numbers exchanged over the internet, Mum called her younger brother and he had a bit of a shock for her too. She doesn’t have one brother, or two, or three or four. She has 5! Yep, Mum went from being an only child to one of 6 in the space of 24 hours! Oh, and I get 11 cousins into the mix too. Pretty impressive for a day’s work.

Our new found family live a boat or plane ride away but have been beyond welcoming. We honestly had no idea they were out there as Mum had always forbidden me for looking for my Grandfather but they had known about her for 22 years and had never given up. I know it sounds like the kind of crap you would see on daytime TV, but to actually have it to you is unbelievable. My Uncles, Aunties and cousins have all been very helpful and tolerant of me – they all live close by and are from a big family. I am an only child, with two of my own so there is so much to take in. I do hasten to add, I nearly got Mum to sign an affidavit that I WAS an only child!

As I can’t travel at the moment, Mum is going over to see them before Christmas and hopefully I will make it over afterwards. Obviously apart from the wedding (3 weeks and 3 days, not that I am counting) I can’t wait to meet them all. One of my Uncle’s wife’s I have hit it off with really well and we email daily, just usual dross but I love it.

So, tomorrow, and I swear I am not lying, I am going to try and get the rest of the wedding invites out. I kid you not. Nothing like leaving it until the last minute. In my mitigation, I haven’t been at my best but I really should have pulled my finger out by now. Ah well, who turns up will turn up – as long as the Priest, Bert and I are there I am passed caring currently. I am sure I will feel differently tomorrow!

Apologies for this being all over the place, just how my brain works, but I had a Drs appointment yesterday. Now, for anyone that doesn’t know, if you have an infection, you are more susceptible to seizures. I am not quite sure who to thank for the chest infection that I am now thoroughly enjoying (or to quote Bert at 3am – “God, you are barking like a dog with that cough”) but if I make it up the aisle I will be impressed!

Just a general out loud thought but I can smell curry coming from the kitchen and urgh, it is making me want to puke! No doubt in about 25 minutes I am going to be asked what I would like for my tea (Bert is an absolute superstar, believe you and me, I couldn’t cope without him and wouldn’t cope without him) but I can absolutely guarantee that curry is NOT going to be top of the list! I have gone right off hot food since I had a fit face first into a bowl of chili and scalded my face funnily enough! Apparently there are tons of pictures of me on the families phones of me in states of seizures doing strange things (all with my prior permission, I hasten to add). I was introduced to ‘planking’ by one of them and it looked to all intents and purposes that I had joined in the craze, the only giveaway being I was unconscious as I had knocked myself out against the skirting board in the process!

Apparently the hilarity just gets better when I eat after I have taken my medication (I have to have it after food). I have no idea why but sometimes it just hits me like a brick wall and I try and feed my nose, eyes, you name it. Bert and I have been known to be sat together with me trying to feed my nose and him directing me ‘lower, lower, too low, up a bit’ – you get the picture (that I am NOT posting!!)

As for Leanne trying on her bridesmaids dress, I will leave that for another day as I don’t think there is enough Valium in the pharmacy to get me through that drama.

So, with tentative plans of delivering the last of the wedding invitations and (consults diary) bugger all else tomorrow and on a seizure count of 4, I bid thee farewell.


It is official…

Not only is it my birthday a week today, but I am getting married this month too. I think we can safely say that slight panic is starting to set in. Thank god I haven’t got a reception to sort out – we are just having a simple Church do and then back to the house.

Everyone keeps asking what I want for my birthday but there is genuinely nothing that springs to mind, other than a new brain and a new back (hmm, might re write The Wizard of Oz on that front!). Just a quiet seizure free day with the family sounds like plan. Oh, I suppose and Indian meal wouldn’t go a miss, only the main problem is I am in the minority, everyone else prefers Chinese food. Might just stamp my foot down on that one!

So, the weekend. That was a revelation. We went up to our main town on a shopping expedition with my husband to be and my step son to be to get a few bits and bobs. And, I am sure you are on the edge of your seat, some more pyjamas for me. Somehow, I ended up £150 lighter – how the feck that happened I have no idea. Might be a combination of M&S, HMV, TK Maxx and the Irish version of Poundland (Dealz).

Urgh, just remembered, I was going to give you some of my thoughts on being in a wheelchair. This does fit in with the shopping trip quite well. One thing I have to say – people can be quite bloody rude! And you have NO idea how disorientating it is being that low down in shops. I can’t see where I am going at all! I have to get Bert (the OH) to go ahead of me so I can follow him. Same in all the shops really.

One thing I have noticed is the difference that men and women display towards me when I am in Lilith. Men? Couldn’t be more helpful. If there is something I can’t reach, they are super polite and ask if they can help (obviously not wanting to offend me, not that I am easily offended). Women (mainly the ones without prams)? Bloody animals! And don’t even get me started on the shop layouts. Men’s section? Fine. Women’s section? Christ, I would have more luck in the Crystal Maze!! Ok, I am specifically speaking about Marksies here but still. Ok, maybe I am being a bit harsh but I actually had a woman push me out of the way whilst I was looking at something? I mean, a simple excuse me would have done. I actually felt quite incensed at it all but fortunately one of the staff commented on it for me. Like I said, apparently my IQ dropped the moment I put my backside in Lilith. Note to self – put brakes on at all times and grow a thicker skin!

What was nice was being able to keep up with my boys. Normally they tear up and down the high street with me lolloping along behind them planning the shortest route possible. I am enjoying the freedom of not having to bother with that anymore.

Of course I managed to ruin a perfectly good day by having a 7 minute seizure in the car on the way home but it goes with the territory. Some of the seizures I can ‘push away’ almost if I really concentrate and I had been trying for an hour but once we were in the car, boom, off I went. Still feel like I have had a sledgehammer put through my forehead now.

Tonight is quite a big night for my second bridesmaid. My chief bridesmaid is my 16 year old daughter Elizabeth and I have seen her in her dress and it is currently at the dressmakers getting taken up. Tonight my other bridesmaid Leanne is going to try her dress on for the first time. I am keeping them at my Mum’s house so we are going round with her and her Mum (my SIL2B) so that she can have the pleasure of seeing her daughter in her dress for the first time. Then we can have the great unveiling in the living room afterwards.

I have good things planned for tomorrow, should be my final dress fitting for the wedding dress. Fingers crossed for no fits there please! The design is simple, shoulders and elbows covered as it is in a church – I was brought up in a Catholic country and some things just stick in your head. The wedding is on the 27th of this month so if I can woman up, pics may be incoming.

It is all starting to get so bloody real now, so close. When we decided to get married October seemed ages away yet here we are – 3 weeks on Saturday and I will be married for the first time. My father is dead so my son Joshua is giving me away- I think he is looking forwards to it a little TOO much! He has already rewritten a Red Hot Chilli Peppers song (Give It Away) to Give Mum Away to seranade to me down the aisle. Unfortunately, NONE of my family could hold a tune in a bucket with a lid so I just hope he does it very quietly!

I will probably go with a quick update tonight after Leanne has tried her dress on, so with a seizure count of 1 yesterday and none today, I shall sign off.